What seemed or seems like a year that never ends or moves too quickly for us to grasp it.
I think we lost sense of time.
When someone is talking to me about the past, I ask them is this before the revolution or after, before covid-19 or after, before half of Beirut exploded or after?
Who would have thought that not having water, electricity, public health system, basic human needs would be the least of our problems?
Okay so I want to talk about the situation in the country, but due to the fact that there is not enough letters in the world to find the right words, that truly manifest our country, moreover because I cannot cover all of the angles, politics, corruption, history, wars, conspiracies, and the planned agenda that our country has fell under… I will narrate it on a personal level.
When did it really all start? Definitely before I was born, I’m oblivious about the exact date...
Here is what I know; bring any Lebanese person, and let them draw you a graph explaining the general situation of the state… and everybody will draw a line that is declining faster and faster as time passes, but this year, the descend of our condition is a bit slower than sound and a bit faster than light!
We have set a new record for rock-bottom, because we’re stumbling and rolling in our graves.
I’m not here to discuss the ancient past, let’s talk about very recent events.
I am going to state some facts, talk about my personal experience, and the emotional turbot it caused me, sorry it is causing me.
Okay.
October 17 a riot started, due to an outburst of a poor class… again my opinion.
At that time, I still had a job, in fact doing the tour was more interesting, because it meant I get the chance to expose our government to foreigners, expose our cause to the outside world, on a small scale.
The protests continued for 3 months, followed by a worsening economic state, the Lebanese Lira value dropped like it was free diving into earth, and till now it’s still rolling over in pain…
January came and at the end of February there was a Corona outbreak in the country
7 months I had a full-time job, and a stable income.
I was working as a project coordinator and a tour guide, my responsibilities included introducing tourists to the real Lebanon, through a walking tour that moved from west to east of the city.
My relationship with work was a hate you-love you relation, because I loved what I am doing, but I was never keen to committing to full time jobs, and giving my full effort, to a business that is not mine, in a time where I could be investing my time with things I personally liked, to be cliché following my dreams.
Don’t take me wrong it was the best job I had, and I had plenty of jobs…
Why?
It involved a mission, and we all love us some sense of accomplishment, the feeling of being involved in a social cause, a structured system, something bigger than you, the high of getting your work done right, the dedication to the company’s vision… similar to religion, except they pay you, so kind of better.
If you’re offended by now you should stop reading.
My mission was to introduce people to Lebanon, Beirut, the city the nurtured and abused me into becoming the woman I am today.
By the time they (visitors-tourists-foreigners-travelers, whatever floats your boat) finished 4-5 hours walking with me through the city, Lebanon was no longer just a name on a map, or a metaphor to state when talking about mess.
By the time they have finished the tour, they have heard my laughter and saw the tears that I shared with this city, they have tasted our food, talked to locals heard their sweet voices saying Marhaba, w “Ahla w Sahla” inviting them into their houses, talking to them about their heartaches, we have a way of talking as Lebanese people we can make a stranger feel like she/he have known us forever, therefore the barriers the visitors have are usually let gone off, friendships are made..
by the time they’ve finished the tour they have learned about our war, the broken promises, how romantic we are, our economy, corruption, and what a fucking mess our country is, never seizes to amaze me how their face expression change by the end of the tour, like I am with a different group than the one a started out with.
Eyes are kinder, cheeks are tired, smiles are from the heart, and them coming mostly from countries that are in order and governments that will never match our corrupted one, them coming from organized lives, where routine can and does exist, they leave in love with us.
I want to say in love with the country, but no they fall in love with its people and its mess… they say “opposite attracts” I have never read a more truthful statement.
Anyway, I liked my job because it was based in the streets with people … I needed to always be aware of what was going on in my country so I can always please attendant’s curiosity, It also meant that I met people from the other end of earth, and learned about their culture.
That being said, I wasn’t sad when I lost my job, in fact I was relieved it didn’t hit me how exhausted I am from walking in the streets, standing under the sun, answering over a hundred question a day, dealing with projects’ deadlines, until I stopped.
It wasn’t only that, there is also the fact that I felt stuck, like I grew out of the job, and I have more to give, but need to give it my way and in a different place.
The reason why I talk about this, because we have all been there, stuckkkk in a job, toxic relationship, bad friendships, in family duties. we are all stuck somewhere.
Secretly I was hoping that my job would be gone, without me having to deal with the guilt of quitting my responsibilities… that’s when… Covid-19 people.
We all hope that actions will be taken without us having to take them. Habibe I don’t know if god exists, but if he does, I’m pretty sure that’s not how he works.
So less praying and more doing, in fact this previous statement is the prayer I sing from my heart every night, and it’s directed from me to me, because in spite of what Cindrella taught us no prince charming, or any hero figure you hope for will come dig you from this grave, grab a shovel an help yourself out, because it’s a self-service universe.
Start climbing.
My job included training people, attending business meeting, collaborating with other companies, meant that I could have funds to learn Spanish, and workshops to improve my skills, moreover team-building activities, that were fun and challenging.
The job I had torn me apart so there is more space for a bigger me.
During Quarantine
I spent two month, nourishing myself, I had a boyfriend at the time he was in Dubai, so I took the chance to spend some time on my own, a lot of time alone, I read books, I ate healthy, slept well, had long walks, exercised 6 days a week, and rode my bicycle everywhere alone, because we were social distancing, I learned what it is like to live, if we didn’t have a job, and endless time for our self, could you imagine? I tried everything I could with the free time I had, well everything I could afford to do, and the list is endless, I wrote more poetry, and preformed online.
I realized that I did not miss my boyfriend that much, I guess because I missed myself even more, I missed hearing or watching my own thoughts float around in the rooms.
Bad Aya… of course guilt came along, as if it was a sin to love yourself, as if spending this much time not making money makes it wasted time? I grew my soul. I was restful and felt reborn, beautiful inside out.