7 months ago, I was living alone with my sister.
I was living alone with my sister for almost three years, we had our personal life, and living space separated from the rest of our family, but with the economic state worsening we had our family slowly sneaking back into our house,
First it was only my brother and mom, which I absolutely didn’t mind, because my mom was stuck in the Philippines for almost two years, I understood she missed us, and wanted to be close to her kids, and I already tried living alone with my brother for a while, he’s cool.
There always reality Vs. expectations, I forgot that my mom was a control freak, and my brother would leave a mess trail behind him like a dog “I love my brother, but that’s just true.
Now we’re in the mid of September, I don’t know where I am in life… this kind off
Made me stronger, but it also left pieces of me scattered all over the place.
I’m constantly trying, but what am I trying? To survive? To be happy?
Well one thing I know is I don’t want to leave the difficult feelings that came out of this
Inside of me... where they would rot, and then reek out of retaliation smell, avenging me for trying to bury them deep deep under every time.
They come out in different forms, sometimes I start complaining loudly, about small things that are not the real reason why I am annoyed, then I start yelling, not knowing what words are coming out of my mouth… brain is not processing, I black-out, then I burst into tears, followed by a guilt trip for piercing the ear drum of my family.
I am not pointing fingers; however, I grew up with parents, who fought half of the day,
Hearing them yell became a normal part of my daily routine, the other part was trying
To fix things between them, I think I spent 5 years trying to patch the black hole in my parent’s relationship, can you think of something that is more of waste of time?
After watching my family, mainly my parents be unhappy together for several years,
After seeing how it affected all my siblings, after trying to play the hero and trying to control everybody, so no one is heavily damaged for good, after utterly failing a million time, I developed a defense mechanism, I learned how to block out certain feelings.
I learned how to become num to certain situations, to my family, in order to fix myself or at least sustain the sanity I had left, just enough to be an acceptable citizen in the society.
My family called me selfish for it so yeah, that’s why at the age of 21, after breaking up with my first love, I decided I wanted to move out.
To be physically separated from their shit, I didn’t have anyone who wanted to move with me, being in Lebanon it’s hard, especially if you are a girl, we are used to hearing the phrase “shu hay2olo l3alam 3ana?” as if there is an imaginary umbilical cord, attaching us to our family, and the tiniest action we’ll do out there will impact their reputation, which usually means that people will say we’re Shramit and come from a dishonorable family.
The economic state didn’t make it easier, therefore I played it wise, I needed my sister support in this, emotionally to stand against the war my family will start against me for leaving them, the normal cycle of becoming independent, and financially because I couldn’t afford to do it alone.
When I told my sister she spent month, trying to talk me out of it using gentle talks, and manipulating the influence she had on me as an older sister, emotionally guilting me into staying with the family because they need us until I took a stand, and told her she has until the end of the month she either moves with me or I move alone, either way I’m leaving!
We are easily pressured by people we look up to, and they often abuse it, here’s a tip never make an assumption that someone else knows what you need in life more than you do, because they don’t.
7 months ago, I had a 3-years long Relationship.
I had a partner whom I shared my life with, and depended on for emotional support, vice-versa.
He saw the worst of me, and I of him, I learned what it’s like to be completely naked, and defenseless, to let all off your guards of, and complete be with this person for the better of worse…
Something was missing in our relationship; I couldn’t quite put my hands on it.
We had different opinions about everything, and we didn’t share a lot of similar passions, but he told me that relationships are not easy, and we should keep on trying, I believed he’s worth the shot, that’s one way to explain why I remained with him for 3 years, but the truth is,
It’s funny where do we get the feeling that we are always in dept to someone, whether it was family, work institute, a person. just because they cared about us at points in our life, I broke my bones to be in a relationship that didn’t support the growth of who I truly am, I killed a part of me, buried her, and spent months secretly grieving.
To all the people who are such in a relationship no matter what the type, if you’re in it because you’re afraid of being alone, then leave, because nothing is worth than lying to yourself, then being dishonest whether intentionally or not to the person with you.
Everyone deserves a person who effortlessly enjoy their company, even if they tell you it’s just a rough patch, later they will blame you for the years you stole.
Another thing is once you’re out of the bubble you’re realize that being alone, carrying your own burdens is so much better than carrying the double burden and drowning yourself and your partner along with you.
The best part of it all, the romance that came after, I got to meet myself, after three year I almost forgot, how bad-ass she is.